Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
