lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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