The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
