You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
