She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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