I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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