Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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