she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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