goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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