i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
