Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Someone shattered a urinal.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
