yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
