So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
