making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
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They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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