Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
