Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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