Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
