I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
