oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
