My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
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so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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