Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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