im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
