So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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