Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We had to coat check the pizza.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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