I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
