I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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