Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
