you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
