White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
