Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize