I just saw a hot homeless man
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
