I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
