I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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