im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
thus making me awesome and them whores
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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