my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
