nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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