God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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