no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
