Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
