Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
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Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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