I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
