We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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