WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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