shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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