Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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