good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
