i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
