My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
