I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
