you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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