it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.