using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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