My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize