If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome