it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
