explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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