Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
