I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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