I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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