We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
