And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
