So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
